Golden Locks
by Locke N Demosthenes
Summary: A twist on the Goldilocks story. How it really happened from Goldilocks herself.


A/N I don't condone the use of alcohol, tobacco products, and/or running away from home.

Golden Locks  
Goldilocks' Story

"So I guess you're wondering why I'm here, behind this inch of Plexiglas, talking to you over this stupid phone system. Since it gets me out of doing lunchroom duty, such as stirring the gravy or something, I'll tell you everything that happened. You might not like it, but it's how the things really went down.

"This story starts off at home. My mom's a real bitch about everything, always telling me to clean my room, clean the kitchen, and to take out the trash. I was getting sick of it. All she did all day was go to work then come home and make herself a glass of Jack & Coke or Rum & Dr. Pepper. Making me do everything.

"So one day, when she left for work, I couldn't stand it anymore. I grabbed me a bar of Hershey's chocolate and a bottle of Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper from the fridge and I ran away.

"I was going to run onto the sidewalk and go as far as I could hitchhiking or something, but I wasn't supposed to be wandering the streets.

"So I go into the woods that we have behind our house. I really didn't go into these woods a lot because I'd rather be out with my friends or on my PlayStation, XBox, DreamCast, or my Computer. Anyway, I went into those nasty woods and followed the convenient path that was there.

"So I was on that path for quite some time and I had gotten hungry. I had already eaten the chocolate I had gotten and I had drunk half of my drink, so I looked around for something to eat. I spotted some breadcrumbs on the trail and followed them; they seemed to know where they were going, obviously they did otherwise they wouldn't have been following each other in that line.

"Anyway, when I got to where they led me, I saw a house made of candy. I mean, who wouldn't want a house of candy. It had a sugar wing, and a sugar free wing made with Splenda Brand Sweetener. It was amazing. Not liking that Splenda crap, I went right over to a cake brick and began munching. I couldn't help myself; each bite was an orgasm in my mouth. Not that I would know what an orgasm is mind." She looked around shiftily. "Anyway, I ate the icing mortar, the chocolate windowsill, the lollipop windows. It was heaven.

She pulled out a cigarette and lit it. "This is the only candy I can get right now. Back to the story again, you need to tell me when I get side tracked like that, otherwise you might not get to hear the whole… oh, I'm sidetracked about being sidetracked, huh? Back to the story…

"I got full rather fast and as I was about to leave, 2 little German kids ran out of a door on the Splenda side of the house, leaving an old woman screaming inside. I rushed in to try and help her, but by the time I had gotten there, the oven had already taken her. How 2 little 5 year olds could do that is beyond me. She provided them with all the candy they could eat and they shove her into an oven and run. I probably shouldn't have stayed there for as long as I did because I get blamed for the old ladies misfortune later, but before we get to that…

"After I had eaten all that house, I was pretty thirsty. I drank all of the Dr. Pepper then but I was still thirsty, I needed water, plus I was getting dehydrated from all of the running around I was doing. So I searched past this tower that had hair coming out of it, a lot of hair actually, and I found a wrinkly old man harassing this woman who had straw in her hair.

"I went over to them and asked what was the matter. They told me they were having money issues and that the man named Wrinkled Foreskin or something, wouldn't give her any more money, especially because she was raising a baby alone and everything.

"Deciding they couldn't help me nor I them, I walked on into a clearing that had a high bridge going over a ravine. There were goats playing on one side and a big lush grassy hill on the other side. Seeing a path down to the water on the other side, I started to cross the bridge. As you probably guessed, a troll inhabited the bridge: a big ugly guy that seemed like a bigger version of the Foreskin guy.

"He said if I don't get off the bridge he'd eat me. Not liking the thought of getting eaten, I tried to bargain with the ugly brute. I said I'd teach him how to make lamb chops if he let me get some water from the bottom of the ravine and continue on my way on the other side of the bridge.

"Happily agreeing, he told me to get one of the Billy Goats and teach him how to fix it. I tempted the goat to me by some of the fresh grass on the other side and then let the troll kill it and chop it up.

"After he did that, I cooked up a wonderful Goat-Chop for him and got my water as he ate it. The water was nice, cold, and clear. It tasted so good and soothed my thirst. I washed my face a little and continued on my way to wherever I was going to go next."


End file.
